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Goat Simulator Patch Notes are as Weird as the Game

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Yes, there really is a game called Goat Simulator. In the game, you get to do stuff in the form of a goat. It sounds really weird, in a hilarious sort of way. The game has recently been patched and along with the patch came some patch notes.

goat_simulatorzoom in

As you can imagine, the patch notes for a patch for a game about being a goat are going to be a bit different. The notes are certainly proof that the devs at Coffee Stain Studios are a different sort of folk.

May favorite line from the notes is this one: “Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.”

Read the full patch notes below:

  • Added local splitscreen multiplayer
  • Added a new map, try it out in the “custom game” section
  • The humans have been given a brain with the cognitive abilities of a 4 year old
  • Humans consequently learned to speak. You’ll wish they hadn’t.
  • Added more goats
  • Isn’t this kid super cute? http://vimeo.com/95834056
  • Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.
  • Added more powers
  • Fixed the hitbox of flappy goat
  • Poured several buckets full of Optimization™ into the game
  • Made sure no class differences exists in Goat City Bay
  • Added tons of achievements
  • You can now run along walls
  • You can now run up walls
  • Stand by for Goatfall
  • Changed batteries in our fire alarm
  • The Goats have learned to ride bikes, press R to mount.
  • The Goats have learned to ride longboards, press R to mount.
  • The Humans have learned how to ride Goats
  • Enjoyed flappy goat
  • You can now buy hats for money
  • This woman made her skin look 20 years younger DOCTORS HATE HER click here
  • Fixed display of Int enchantments on crafted gear
  • Applying plastic wrap around your screen will now give you a 3D-effect.
  • Added VR support
  • Reverted hitbox of flappy goat
  • Made hitbox worse on flappygoat
  • Removed Flappy Goat, I hate that fucking game.
  • Got 11 points on Flappy Goat; readded Flappy Goat.
  • Spent more time writing jokes about Flappy Goat than working on the patch
  • Changed the points required for the Flappy Goat Achievement from 10 to 30
  • Just kidding.
  • Removed VR support
  • Ultra-realistic water simulation
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • You can now swim. Well not really swim, more like float around in a semi-controlled buoyant propulsion fashion.
  • Added volume slider in options for NPC speech.
  • Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.
  • We went to see Godzilla. It was ok. Cool sound effects.
  • Updated patch notes.
  • Added a lot of new sound effects.
  • Mary had a little … GOAT!? Historians uncover new evidence, click here!
  • There is a new game inside of the game, it’s called SteamWorld Goat.
  • Honored Notch
  • Changed batteries in fire alarm. Again.
  • Wanted to add shadows to buildable blocks but couldn’t figure out how, can someone please tell us?
  • Patch notes now covers more than an A4.
  • Seriously stop making threads asking about patch notes 4 seconds after the patch goes live, calm down
  • Game downloading, does anyone have the patch notes?
  • New patch?
  • Patch released today does anyone know what it does
  • Where are the patch notes
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • Why is the patch so big?
  • Lazy devs.
  • If you want we can zip it, then rar it to make it smaller. Do you want it on Megaupload?
  • Is this game worth it? Should I buy?
  • Devs please put the game on a sale so I can save 4 bucks
  • I don’t like ___, please add an option to remove ___
  • Performed Satanic rituals to summon Phil Fish
  • Plz come back
  • Actually optimized the game a bit
  • What use are ladders when you can run on the walls?
  • I hate water
  • Played a whole lot of Wildstar
  • Volvo pls fix ___.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added Uncle Goat, I’m sorry about my Goat.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added five new colors, all of which are unseeable by the human eye.
  • We actually bought a stuffed goat head IRL for our office, we have no idea what to do with it.
  • Updated our Meta Score to 91/100.
  • Killed PC gaming
  • How long will the patch notes be?
  • Changed batteries in the other fire alarm
  • Increased Storm Spirit’s Static Remnant AoE by 15.
  • Ride a bike with a human on your back. Not like this dude: http://youtu.be/B7-6nXGflec
  • You can now play ragdoll goat hockey!

[via Kotaku]






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