Picture this: aliens have made official contact with Planet Earth’s leaders, and our world is now under the imminent threat of mass invasion. If they want to learn about the human race and our achievements, what music should we play for the new visitors to keep them on our side?
1. Rick Astley — “Never Gonna Give You Up”
Many people I know have been Rickrolled (clicking on a mysterious decoy link that leads to Rick Astley’s famous video), but can you imagine the alien’s faces when it happens? Nothing preaches humanity’s finest than one of humankind’s most loyal, beloved singers. Come on, aliens, give us a chance: we’ll never give you up, let you down, make you cry, or even say goodbye! If anything, we may watch our planet burn, but at least we’ll have the last laugh.
2. Eric Idle — “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”
Monty Python’s brand of anarchic dark comedy has become immortalized over the years, although it comes with many facets. The TV shows and subsequent movies wouldn’t have been the same without Terry Gilliam’s wild animations or Eric Idle’s zany musical accompaniments, namely “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” It would be necessary for the confused aliens to watch Life of Brian so they could appreciate the song’s tongue-in-cheek tone.
3. Billy Joel — “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
This song will enlighten our extraterrestrial visitors, considering the exhaustive history lesson they will gain with the song. In any case, America may become our new overlords’ favorite territory, or they are seen as the new hosts’ biggest threat. Word of advice: play them the Fallout Boy version.
4. Louis Armstrong — “What a Wonderful World”
Some people consider Louis Armstrong’s music the epitome of humanity, a tribute to the capability of human love. The song encapsulates the warmth and love surrounding our interactions; moreover, it embraces us with the joy we feel in watching our children grow up. Rather than reflect the reality of human society, it paints a hopeful picture of what we can all strive to have — before the aliens vaporize it into insignificance.
5. Stevie Wonder — “I Just Called To Say I Love You”
It was a toss-up between this song and “Happy Birthday,” but Stevie Wonder’s simple love song denotes our yearning for true love. His lyrics speak of harvest moons, April rains, and chocolate-covered candy hearts. These epithets pale in significance to the three words that give our species its purpose: “I love you.” Take that, loveless alien master race.
6. Queen — “We Are the Champions”
When those Martians or Jupiterians enter our atmosphere, they will encounter so many creatures and habitats that it may initially feel Earth’s life forms are hard to separate. Surely, our intergalactic conquistadors will need some planetary guides to help them navigate their new colonies. What better way to get their attention than by advertising humans’ position on the inhabitant hierarchy?
7. The Benny Hill Show Theme
We humans love to see ourselves as champions of the Earth (see: Queen), but let’s be honest — we’re all bumbling clowns. The Benny Hill theme could be played with a giant backdrop showing humanity’s finest fails: the Hindenburg, the fall of Rome, or Christopher Columbus’ understanding of Indians. With any luck, they may find the whole thing hilarious.
8. Vivaldi — The Four Seasons
Not only will our visitors want to know more about our musical history, but they might also wish to know about our weather. The good news is we have Vivaldi’s Four Seasons to entertain them. From the delicate “Spring I” allegro to “Summer III” and its furious summer storm presto, the aliens will have a good idea by the time the piece ends. Moreover, they won’t fail to be impressed by Vivaldi — if they aren’t, we’re in trouble.
9. The Temptations — “War”
With all else lost, the human underlings can begin their soft protests as all the systems are dismantled and Earth’s new rulers enact their plan for the humans. The Temptations’ famous counterculture anti-war song, “War,” may dissuade them. “Masters, what is war really good for, anyway? Just put down those vaporizer blasters, and let’s join hands. Who’s with me?”
10. Rage Against the Machine — “Killing in the Name”
By this stage, we have tried everything: Rick Astley, Louis Armstrong, and Vivaldi have done nothing to dissuade the aliens’ plan — mass extermination is imminent. In this scenario, there can only be one action: release the Kraken — or Zacken, as in Zack de la Rocha. If we humans are to become a subservient feudal underclass, there will be uprisings. Nothing will stir the resistance more than this anthem. Worst case scenario: If we’re going down, let’s do it while sticking it to the non-man and cranking out Rage Against The Machine.
