Life is hard. Numerous trials and challenges lie ahead of us, lurking in the shadows that their shadowy souls provide for them, eager to pounce and thwart our dreams and ambitions, to prevent us from reaching our maximum potential, and at times we feel as if the future that we so vividly saw in our pristine mind’s eye when we were children has become unreachable, like the finish line to an exhausted decathlete, or enlightenment to an adolescent monk, or the bathroom to a man just aching, with all of his mind, body & soul, to drop the kids off at the pool, to fertilize the ferns, to do the Royal Squat, to greet Mr. Hankey, to launch a torpedo, or to just take a dump.
Flash game maker/ultimate survivor Rete created the game Don’t Sh*t Your Pants to recreate one of life’s most nerve wracking and horrific experiences, when the worst parts of you are peeking out and you’re not yet in a position to do something about it. It’s a text-based game, so you use phrases like “open door” or “sit in toilet” instead of directly controlling the character. Whereas the first text-based games were about fantasy and mythology, Don’t Shit Your Pants keeps it real and redefines the “survival horror” genre of video games.
Sporting multiple, often disastrously comic endings, where and how you poo-poo is up to you. Forget Resident Evil 5 and play Don’t Shit Your Pants for free at Kongregate; because a chainsaw-wielding, parasite-infested non-zombie is just a bunny with a pink ribbon compared to thought of crapping with your pants still on.