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Minneapolis Man Reveals That He Is Spider-Man in Self-Written Obituary

by Stirling Matheson
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Obituaries are often rather depressing, for reasons which should be fairly obvious. Normally they’re written in a somber tone the reminds the reader not of the person being remembered, but of the fact that they should be grieving. Aaron Joseph Purmort, 35, knew his end was coming due to a battle with cancer, and decided to write his own obituary his way. The result was a paragraph that should, despite the gravity of the situation, make just about everybody smile.

I hope it brought a bit of happiness to Purmort’s friends and family by reminding them of the good times they had. Also, SPOILER ALERT, he drops a big bomb on us by revealing that he was Spider-Man all along. The text follows:

spider-manzoom in

Purmort, Aaron Joseph age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long. Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city. His family knew him only as a kind and mild-mannered Art Director, a designer of websites and t-shirts, and concert posters who always had the right cardigan and the right thing to say (even if it was wildly inappropriate).

Aaron was known for his long, entertaining stories, which he loved to repeat often. In high school, he was in the band The Asparagus Children, which reached critical acclaim in the northern suburbs. As an adult, he graduated from the College of Visual Arts (which also died an untimely death recently) and worked in several agencies around Minneapolis, settling in as an Interactive Associate Creative Director at Colle + McVoy. Aaron was a comic book aficionado, a pop-culture encyclopedia and always the most fun person at any party. He is survived by his parents Bill and Kim Kuhlmeyer, father Mark Purmort (Patricia, Autumn, Aly), sisters Erika and Nicole, first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father’s untimely death.

Also, I sincerely hope his son gets that vengeance.

[via The Star Tribune]

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